Just heard the news, and I’m dizzy and a bit nauseous from crying hysterically in bed.
Not because I knew him, or that I was a fan. But his death struck a deep chord in me and brought a lot of intense shit into perspective. Things that have already been at the forefront of my mind, but are now under a harsher light.
After reading a bit of his bio, I found myself in shock. It was like reading my own obituary. Drug addiction, food addiction, suicide attempt, self-hatred. In my darkest times, I’ve tried to numb and escape my pain through self-destruction: partying, an eating disorder, suicide attempts…
“New York, New York. Big city of dreams, but everything in New York ain’t always what it seems.”
That was his final tweet, a quote from Grandmaster Flash. The words resonated deeply with me because NYC was where I hit rock bottom. It’s where I brought all my idealistic dreams from childhood, and where I wanted to see them come to life. Instead I got led astray and sucked into this negative vortex, getting all the confidence and inspiration drained out of me. I became an afterhours zombie, passing the time with people whose names I don’t even remember and wondering if this was all life had to offer.
Reading about his death made me feel like it could’ve been me. Had I stayed in NYC keeping up the lifestyle that I was, isolated and depressed yet in denial of it all… I may have gone down a much darker road. These things make us remember not to take our path for granted.
What also shook me up was reading all the comments online. Lots of people had the balls to say stuff like, “He survived a plane crash, and now he squanders his 2nd chance and ODed!?”
It made me think about 2 things: first, that the masses treat entertainers like they’re circus animals who are simply objects for praise or criticism (Kurt said it best– “Here we are now, entertain us”). Naturally, that’s led to all kinds of self-torture by artists.
Reading about AM’s life, it’s not surprising he struggled with inner turmoil. His verbally abusive father was a drug addict who later died of AIDs; in his teens, he was physically abused at a drug rehab center he was sent to by his mother. I also learned that he finished filming an MTV show where he made substance abuse interventions and openly talked about his addiction and path to sobriety. With such a tragic backstory, it was shocking to see how many could blame a stranger for his own death.
The other thing I’ve been thinking about is the double-edged sword of the internet. Yes, we have the freedom to speak our minds and express ourselves– but the downside is that people have become desensitized to the human connection. Someone they don’t even know just died, yet they feel it’s okay to make judgments because they’re faceless.
One of the goals of Nerd Revolt and dejaded is to bridge these gaps. The internet has so much potential to reach people globally, yet a lot of it’s missing that personal element. I think it’s connected us in a lot of ways, but it’s also making us more detached and surface-oriented. It’s kind of surreal going through underground dance music sites that are looking more and more like tabloids: cooler-than-thou attitudes, oh-so-fashionable haircuts, and blatantly shallow opinions. Wasn’t dance music supposed to be a rebellion against all of that? While I might not have related to AM’s music or scene, it’s refreshing to know he was a person inspired by his struggles to reach out to people.
More than anything, hearing about his death made me stop and reflect on those of us who are gone too soon… and I feel it’s up to those of us left behind to keep the torch burning.
Another schedule update!
dejaded keeps flowing on Monday mornings (you know how we do), but we won’t limit ourselves to what shape or form it comes in.
We shall use the interwebs as our canvas.
This is multidimensional art of the future, baby.
…and now, we bring you this week’s Confession.
Ladies, gentlemen, cyborgs, and machines:
What you are about to witness is highly confidential and has never been shared among the Earthlings.
Some of you may know of the life forms called m.0 and Miss Jade. What you may not know is that these humans are actually decoys who roam the Earth, collecting machines to bring to their cyborg lair and conduct experiments on.
This never-before-seen footage gives you a glimpse into the secret lives of Rekraktor Overlord and the iLL.F.O. Watch as they create mad science at Command Central® and bring it to the stage for the bass-hungry humans.
We will report back as we recover more evidence of this mysterious duo.
Stay tuned.
–The Federal Bureau of iLLness
Nerd Revolt: From Studio to Stage. from Nerd Revolt on Vimeo.
Special delivery from Command Central®! This week’s Media Feed features our first venture into the world of video. Peep the feed for a mini documentary on our recent show at Photosynthesis Festival!
Let me bring you back to the week of July 26th, 2009. I’d just returned from managing a trade show in Salt Lake City, and caught wind of the fact that Seattle was about to have a heat wave. I wasn’t too surprised– in the 3 years I’ve lived here, there have been ice storms, wind storms, blizzards, rainiest-month records… nature has been bringing the pain up in this place!
But that week, I saw a different side of nature. I witnessed the most amazing process I’ve ever seen— right in my living room! While everyone was bitchin’ and moanin’ about their non-air-conditioned apartments and piling into ice cream joints, I was brought on this rather surreal and freakish journey. I’ll start from the beginning…
The day after I got back from SLC, I went to water my plant Kapa’a. Lifting up his leaves, I was startled to find a few mushrooms growing under there!
I noticed these weird bumps all around the pot, and realized they were little mini mushrooms.
I had no idea how fast they’d grow, or if they’d grow at all. I didn’t give it another thought ’til I woke up the next morning…
…and saw they’d turned into these crazy stubs! I was pretty freaked out by the rate they were growing at, but no way could I have predicted that I’d get home that day and see…
…THESE! They were totally bizarre, alien-like, and fascinating. This was some Tim Burton type shit. I’d like to call this the “WTF” phase.
Here’s an aerial view.
Just 45 minutes later, the caps started to change shape.
I left for a few hours, ran back home and saw…
…that they’d all opened up! They were absolutely beautiful, and I was no longer creeped out by them. They were my new little friends (though they’d probably poison the Virus Bots ).
The next morning, I was blown away. They’d all grown into their full formation– exactly like the first ones I found. Within 24 hours, I watched these tiny babies explode into huge shrooms!
By now, I’d gotten super attached to these little guys. Since they gave me the creeps while they were growing up, I named them “The Heebie Jeebies”.
Excited about our blissful future together, I came home that day and was heartbroken to find…
…that they had all died! It was July 29th, the hottest day in Seattle history (103 degrees). Damn heat wave!
It was such an incredible experience, though. I was the only one who saw it all happen, so it was really special. I spent a couple days lamenting the loss of my ‘Jeebs— I didn’t even wanna look at the dead mushrooms. Then, a week later…
…I found these guys had popped up! I missed out on the whole process since I was busy being disappointed about the dead ones.
I’ll just take it as a sign that we shouldn’t focus on the things we’ve lost…
We might overlook our second chances.
This week, we’re flipping the switch from the Media Feed back to the Confessions, bringing you some O.G.-style dejaded.
We’ll be back next Monday with the Feed. The Confessions and Chronicles will now be cranked out on a “When Miss Jade gotz shit ta SAY” basis.
dejaded’s blasting you multimedia style. Keep it locked!
A few weeks ago, I saw Tori Amos live for the first time. I’ve passed up every Tori show that’s come my way, mainly because I could never afford it. Having been a fan since my teens, I’ve watched her progress artistically while her music has stayed relevant throughout my life. As I continue following my own creative dreams, this has all taken on a deeper meaning.
So let me get this out of the way, people… it was the best goddamn show I’ve seen in my life! Her voice was unbelievable— highly expressive, pristine yet powerful, and injected with bits of playful humor throughout the songs. She had a larger-than-life presence, mesmerizing the audience through the rawest outpouring of emotion I’ve seen on stage. Oh, and her trademark piano bench straddling was definitely enough to make me question my sexuality for a few hours… but we’ll get to that some other time.
I was blown away by how technically gifted she is as a musician. I’ve always admired her vocal and songwriting skills, but HOLY SHIT. She rocked 6 sets of keys, flowed back and forth between 2 mics— never missing a note. At times, one hand was on keys in front of her, the other on keys in back of her; meanwhile, she’s belting out lyrics, cueing her drummer, dancing around, ad libbing lines… As a synth player who grew up playing the piano, I don’t need to explain how moved I was.
But I’m inspired by more than just her performance. Tori’s been on a mission that reaches a lot deeper, having been an important role model for rape survivors everywhere. She’s connected with people through her songs (like the chilling a cappella “Me and a Gun”), as well as her activism (having co-founded RAINN— the country’s largest anti-sexual assault organization, which created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline). Her fearlessness and compassion in confronting these issues keeps empowering so many people out there.
About 3 months ago, I had a huge epiphany after a therapy session. I experienced a violent sexual assault when I was 15, and never truly faced the pain and trauma it had caused. For years, I tried to protect myself from all the rage, shame, and self-loathing it stirred up in me. Having repressed this nightmare for more than half of my life, it led to so many destructive behaviors— none of which I ever really understood until now. After realizing how much physical, mental, and emotional torture I’ve put myself through, I can finally start to heal these wounds.
The synchronicity of all this couldn’t be more powerful. I feel deeply reaffirmed in my creative mission.
I’m not gonna let this fucked up experience hold me back any more. I’m gonna use it to fuel my music, my writing, and ambition… I want to inspire people. Empower them. Create art that’s raw, honest, unapologetic.
I’m not gonna crank out disposable dance hits for people to forget about once they’re sober. I’ve had enough of all the pretentious, superficial shit that’s turned so much of the scene into a shallow wasteland… I’m gonna put myself into everything I create, so I can inspire others to do the same.
I think it’s time for dance music to tap into what’s REAL.
Wouldn’t that make us all feel better the next morning?
It’s less than a week before we play at Photosynthesis Festival, so Nerd Revolt was on studio lockdown this weekend. The recent 90-100 degree days had set us back a bit… but once things got cracking at Command Central®, everything just flowed.
After a few improv jams last summer, we wrote our first track, “Doppelgänger”. Since then, our studio and live rig has expanded, our skills have been sharpened, and our connection has grown exponentially. This track symbolizes the beginning of our surreal warp-speed journey, so it’s been exciting to return to it with a new perspective.
Here’s a clip of ”Doppelgänger” in rehearsal. An outdoor party calls for some heady psychedelic shit, so we’re gonna stretch out the tracks and get deep into freeform mode. These two city kids can’t wait to throw down their beats in the mountains!
PS: If the footage seems a little shaky, we shot all of the video ourselves while playing melodies, tweaking knobs, and dropping the beats. DIY, motherfuckers!
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